PARODY: SC man comes clean

Yet another South Carolina man has came forward about sexual issues and Republican GOP candidate Nikki Haley.  The man, whose last name is being withheld to protect him for the vast amount of media attention that is sure to follow his story, came clean to a handful of reporters about his relationship with Nikki Haley and other South Carolina political figures.

He goes by the name Bobby Earl.  Bobby Earl works part time security at a closed plant near him with internet access.  He also has worked doing "push polls" for an Attorney General candidate's campaign operative.  All Bobby Earl would tell us about that was, "some fat guy came up and said he would give me a couple hundred dollars to call up some old people and tell them that some guy was not a member of bar and to send them an email to some video.  It was easy money."

Word soon got around to the political operatives who run South Carolina politics about the willingness of Bobby Earl to work in the shadows.

Bobby Earl tells a simple story.  Some operative, who Bobby Earl can't remember, showed him a picture of "that Haley woman and asked, would you mess around with her?"  Bobby Earl replied, "Sure, I would, but the old lady would kill my ass."  The operative thanked him and gave Bobby Earl some cash.

Then, as Bobby Earl tells it, " a little feller in a tie showed up, and he asked me if I ever had inappropriate contact with Andre Bauer.  The little feller looked all official, so I told him I had.  I peed at a Clemson game and did not wash my hand and then Mr. Bauer shook my unwashed hand a few minutes later.  I felt bad about that.  That little feller looked like he done went and won the lottery."   

Bobby Earl goes on.  "That's when them damn calls started.  Someone asked me if had I messed around with Bauer.  I said Hell no, if I messed around with anyone runnin' for Governor, it would be that Nikki Haley gal."

"Well," Bobby Earl stated, "that sure as Hell started something.  Next thing I know I got all sorts of people calling me and offering money.  Some wanted to pay me to tell my story, others wanted me to pay me to not to tell it. "

Bobby Earl now wants to come clean.  "Now, I ain't a bad man, but a man with bills I can't pay.  I took their money.   But, Preacher Mike told me that was a sin.  So, I want to come clean.  I ain't ever messed around with Nikki Haley.  As I said, I would have liked to, but the old lady would kill me.  And, I ain't messed around with no Andre Bauer, though I think the old lady would like to. I guess that is why we got a state full of people worked up about who is messing around with the people we would mess around with if we had the chance. But, like I told Preacher Mike, whats between me and that person who cleans that hotel down that street is between me and 'em, no matter what name I call 'em."

After that, Bobby Earl got into his pickup truck, covered in Rex Rice for Congress and Barrett for Governor bumper stickers, and drove off.  Bobby Earl was pursued by several media vehicles and some guy claiming to be from the Daily Show. As of this hour, the standoff at Bobby Earl's Six Mile home is still ongoing.