Top 9 ways of knowing you are not going to have a Happy Birthday

9) Some half drunk guy claiming to be from “the IRS” knocks on your door and asks you why have not mailed your Census form.

8) Your birthday party is begun with drunken people dressed in orange dancing and clapping to Tiger Rag.

7) The woman in your life uses your birthday to let you know that she thinks you should do more with your life and that you are slack, a big disappointment, etc. Though she expects the worst from you, she wishes you a Happy Birthday and quickly judges how you will act around your friends later at your party. She then calls the private investigator she hired to watch you to make sure he is on the job. True love.

6) The cute waitress you flirted with most of the night says, “wow, you are old, dude.”

5) Expecting a birthday greeting from you buddy, you instead are greeted with “You asshole, why didn’t you tell me my wife made out with that guy?”

4) Some dumbass blames you for testing positive for drugs, claiming that a good lawyer would tell them “random” was not the name of the drug test.

3) Your doctor tells you after your annual physical that he does not accept payment plans in your case.

2) One of your friends decides to protest your birthday party because your candles add too much to global warming so close to Earth Day.

1) Your buddies throw you a party at a strip club, only to have the strippers say “the club’s liability insurance company does not allow us to give a guy that old a couch dance.”